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Theatre of the slothoki Absurd


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I’m crazy. Hear that, pops? I’m a damned loon. Watch these cards I’m about to play. I’m wacked. My noodle is cramped. I’m a three year-old with a temper and a handful of reds. I’m a smart player’s worst nightmare. I’ll river you before the flop hits the felt.

Fish, you say?

How could a fish carry all these chips, sir?

See, I’m crazy. Crazy like a fish. A clown fish, see. Now scoot your fish-eating butt over and deal the cards.

I’ve developed a problem that’s been profitable in the slothoki term. In the long run, if I had entered and won Jeremy’s Poker Tracker give-away, I’m sure I’d see the expectation turn way negative.

I play the first and last hand of every session, at least to the turn.

Why? Well, of course, because I’m a damned idiot. Two-six off? Cap it, I say.

Actually, it began when I started to realize I was playing with many of the same players I saw every night. After a few weeks, they had good notes on me, and people had stopped paying me off. I hate not getting paid off.

My bank-roll that I built to $939 from $20 was stagnant.

One night a week and a half ago I posted my first hand on the button. Three-eight spades. It was raised twice before it got to me. I called the raises, flopped a flush draw, made it on the turn, and capped the river bets for a big ol’ pot against high pairs.

I’m crazy, see.

The calls of a “river rat” scrolled across the chat bar. I checked all my notes to see who they were talking about before realizing they were talking about me.

Indeed, players, I’m a river rat.

This is no new strategy. The big guys change gears and play ultra-loose all the time. It’s not me, though. I like my bets and raises to be respected. Still, I like to get paid off.

I’m such a “cake and eat it, too” chump.

Eventually, my opponents realized that their notes were right about me. I play premium hands aggressively. When in doubt, on a draw, etc….fold.

Which is why I started finishing every session with the same play. I drew four cards to a 2-6o to make a gutshot straight on the river with my 6. ‘Night, folks. See you tomorrow.

While this has been a little fun, it’s also been a little embarassing. And frankly, my bankroll is still stagnant. I’m still in the low $900s since my last report.

I fear I’m afflicted with the boredom of discipline. I fear I’m on the cusp of disaster. I’m in no position to move up to a $5-$10 game, but that’s what my inner child wants. Baby wants big pots, baby.

Until then, I’ll be the disciplined player, bookended with craziness on the first and last hands.

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